


Misplaced Comfort

by SuperMagicalWizard



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series), Thomas Sanders, Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Angst/fluff/Angst, Gen, I think that's it? - Freeform, Lots of Crying, Mention of Death, Nightmare, Pre-Episode: Accepting Anxiety, it's like hurt/comfort but there's more hurt at the end, major character death (in a dream only), self deprecating thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-20
Updated: 2019-01-20
Packaged: 2019-10-13 05:00:45
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,733
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17481662
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SuperMagicalWizard/pseuds/SuperMagicalWizard
Summary: Virgil has a nightmare and goes to Patton for comfort, even though he's still just Anxiety in their eyes. Maybe it'll be okay though. Or maybe it won't.





	Misplaced Comfort

**Author's Note:**

> Okay so the first paragraph has a few descriptions of major character deaths (Roman, Logan, and Patton), but it's just in a nightmare, so if you don't want to see that you can just skip the first paragraph and you should be fine! 
> 
> Also this is the first thing I've written this year, and I feel pretty pleased with it, so please let me know if you like it it ^-^ thank you for reading!

In hindsight he should have known it was a nightmare. But hindsight never helps in the moment, does it? That’s why when he watched them fall, one by one, he screamed. He screamed when Roman stumbled and clutched a bloody wound and staggered to the floor. He screamed when Logan went pale and tripped and fell fell fell down the stairs. He screamed when Patton tried to smile through the coughs that tore through him until he lay convulsing on the floor. He screamed and he screamed and he screamed. And then he woke up.

 

He woke up with no voice and an aching throat, as if he had been screaming for an hour, and, given how soundproof his room was, it was possible. He tried to take a deep breath and flinched as he felt his racing heartbeat, the feeling of muted terror and helplessness still present in his veins as he struggled to sit up. 

He hugged his legs to his chest, grip tight as he tried and failed to ground himself. “It was just a dream,” he tried to whisper but his throat hurt too much and he coughed, flinching as the memory of Patton’s fate was brought to the forefront of his mind. “It’s okay,” his voice rasped as his eyes clenched shut against the tears he could feel building. “They’re okay.” But it didn’t stop the tears as they leaked from his closed eyes and his shoulders started to shake with suppressed sobs. “It’s-” he broke of with a sob for only a second before his hand covered his mouth and he trembled as he kept trying to stay silent. Because even though he was saying that it was okay, he still didn’t feel like it was. 

Because what if it _was_ real? What if it had already happened? What if they were _gone_? What if he had just passed out after seeing them all die and he had just woken up and now- _No_. He couldn’t think about that right now. He had to make sure before he thought about- about- He had to make sure.

He stood up on trembling legs, trying to think as he staggered forward and used the wall to support himself. Where could he go? Roman? No, Roman hated him. If he saw him in his room at this hour- Virgil’s breath caught in his throat as he remembered the blade that Roman always pointed his way. No no no he couldn’t go to Roman. What about Logan? Sometimes Logan put up with him so maybe he could just go there, but- what if he woke him up? Logan was always talking about how important it was to get enough sleep, always talking about how proud he was of his own schedule, what if he yelled at him for messing it up? What if he started lecturing him? No he couldn’t go there, not right now, he would start crying if he did and Logan couldn’t see that, he _couldn’t_. All that left was.. Patton. Patton was a little okay with him, right? He tolerated him at least, so maybe.. He wouldn’t be too upset? Virgil would have laughed at himself if he wasn’t struggling just to keep standing. He just- he had to check. So he took a deep breath, prepared himself for what he might see, and sunk into Patton’s room.

 

The room was mostly dark as he rose up, his head spinning as he stumbled forward. As soon as he caught himself though, he was searching the unfamiliar, cluttered floor desperately for where Patton might be if- if it had been real. His eyes quickly adjusted to the dim light of Patton’s nightlight. After almost a minute of not finding Patton curled up on the floor, he let himself dare to be hopeful for a second. Then he kept searching, and soon his eyes found a familiar curly head of hair peeking out of a mound of blankets. Maybe he’s just sleeping, he desperately hoped.

With still shaking legs he carefully stepped around everything on the floor and made his way to the bed. Then, with as much care and time as he could take, he held his breath and carefully, ever so carefully, peeled away the layers of blankets from Patton’s chest. Patton twitched a little and Virgil’s hand froze. He had to make sure. He _had_ to. He slowly reached out once more and with that barest of feather touches, he rested his fingers on Patton’s chest.

Patton’s steady heartbeat shook his hand and he finally relaxed a little, a sob of relief breaking free on accident. He froze. _Too loud_. Patton started to stir, mumbling something as he blearily opened his eyes and Virgil jerked his hand back from his chest as if he had been burned. “Sorry,” he whispered hoarsely, eyes darting around as he tried to find an escape route. “I’ll just-”

“Kiddo?” Patton mumbled sleepily as he rubbed his eyes and slowly wiggled himself out of the rest of his blankets. He sat up and yawned, not bothering to grab his glasses from the bedside table. “Did you have a nightmare?”

The question caught Virgil off guard. He tried to think of an excuse, something that wouldn’t worry Patton, but as soon as he opened his mouth all that came out was a whine. He covered his mouth quickly, starting to shake as he slowly backed away from the bed.

“It’s okay kiddo,” Patton smiled tiredly, opening his arms invitingly. “Come here.”

Virgil looked at his open arms and he tried to not give in, he really did, but he could only hesitate for a second before he gave in to the desire to be comforted. He threw himself forward and felt Patton wrap his arms around him so securely and he let out a sob. All his hands could do were clench the soft fabric of Patton’s pajamas shirt as he tried to breathe through the tears.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” he whispered hoarsely, desperately, as he buried his face in Patton’s chest. “I thought you were gone, I’m sorry-”

Patton quietly shushed him and held him close, whispering soft reassurances as he rocked him back and forth ever so gently. “It’s okay, I got you. It’s okay.”

“But-” Virgil cried, not paying attention to his aching throat as he pulled away from Patton to look up at him. “I-” 

Patton cut him off, his right hand reaching up to gently hold Virgil’s cheek in his hand. “It’s okay,” he smiled tiredly down at him. Virgil let out another sob as he looked up Patton’s kind face, the soft, warm hand on his cheek feeling like more than he ever deserved to have. Neither of them cared as his tears started to trickle onto Patton’s hand. After a few seconds Patton gently laced his fingers through Virgil’s hair and moved his head with so much care. At first Virgil didn’t understand why, but then Patton pressed his head against his chest and he heard Patton’s heart beat against his ear. Finally the last bit of wound up energy that the dream had given him, dissolved. And he sobbed, his hands still holding onto Patton’s pajama shirt as he cried.

They stayed there for a while, Patton holding Virgil so snug and securely against his chest as Virgil soaked in the reassurances that they were okay, that everyone was okay. Until finally Virgil pulled away, trying not to feel the loss of Patton’s warm arms as they slipped away. He shakily got off the bed and onto his feet, rubbing away tears and sniffling as he looked at Patton with a small smile on his face.

“I’m going back to bed now,” he whispered hoarsely, but with contentment clear in his voice as he smiled. “Thanks Pat.”

“Of course,” Patton yawned hugely before returning the smile with a tired one of his own. He rubbed his eyes before laying back in bed and snuggling under his blankets. Virgil smiled again and turned to leave, actually feeling happy for the first time in.. a long time.

And then he heard Patton mumble, “goodnight Logan.”

 

For a second Virgil froze, looking behind him to see if Logan was actually there. But when he didn’t see anyone, he looked back at Patton and his eyes caught on the glasses still laying untouched on the bedside table. Virgil’s smile disappeared. 

“Goodnight Patton,” he whispered, throat aching as he fought to hold back new tears. He turned away as his vision started to blur. He needed to leave, before he broke down again. So with that thought on his mind, he made his way carefully to the door, and left. 

 

He couldn’t get back to his room fast enough. And as soon as he closed the door behind him, he crawled into bed. He didn’t even bother covering himself with a blanket as he curled up on his side. Blindly he reached up for his pillow before pulling it to his chest, cradling it as he sobbed softly into it. But not like before. No, this was different, this was quieter. He wasn’t crying from desperation and panic and relief anymore; he was crying from hurt. After all, the only reason Patton even offered him a hug was because he mistook him for Logan. And that hurt. Because even though that hug wasn’t meant for him, he still _took_ it. Took comfort that ordinarily no one would give him. Because they _shouldn’t_ give it to him.

His heart ached and his chest filled with guilt and hurt as he sobbed. He should never have thought that it was okay to go to Patton. Why had he thought that it would be okay? Why why why.. At least the dream hadn’t been real though, right? That was good… But that didn’t change the fact that _this_ was real. This pain was real. This guilt was real. Yet still, as tears soaked his pillow and sobs shook his shoulders, he clutched his aching heart and knew he deserved to be where he was. He deserved to be here, alone, and in pain. Just like he should have been from the moment he woke up, to now. Curled up in his bed, with a heart that felt like breaking. Alone. _Always_ alone. Because that’s what he deserved. That’s all he deserved.


End file.
